[Coco] OT: funny.... for me anyway :)

[Gene Heskett]

On Wednesday 26 October 2005 23:48, Bob Devries wrote:
>/me dons flame-proof suit......

Heck Bob, its even funny to me.  Just don't forget the tongue is in
the cheek when biting down on that next chip though.

>JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America:
>
>In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
> your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen
> Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states,
> commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
> not fancy).
>
>Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
> without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
> disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
> whether any of you noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
> rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
> be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
> 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
> skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
> suffix "ise."
>
>You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
> elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
> cope with correct pronunciation.
>
>Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
>levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
> interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
> unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
>2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
>
>3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>
>4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
> be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
> will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
>
>5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
> shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
> be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
> without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
> up enough to handle a gun.
>
>6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
> more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
> you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
> your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
> we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
> will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
> you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
> tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
> British sense of humour.
>
>8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
>9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
> are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
> fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
>
>10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
>customers.
>
>11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
> as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
> referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as
> "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of
> further confusion.
>
>12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
> dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
> having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
>13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
> of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough
> will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
> similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
> a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
> bunch of nancies).
>
>Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
>event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
> of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
> beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
>
>14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
>15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies due backdated to 1776.
>
>Thank you for your co-operation.
>
>John Cleese
>
>
>
>--
>Regards, Bob Devries, Dalby, Queensland, Australia
>
>Isaiah 50:4 The sovereign Lord has given me
>the capacity to be his spokesman,
>so that I know how to help the weary.
>
>website: http://www.home.gil.com.au/~bdevasl
>my blog: http://bdevries.invigorated.org/

-- 
Cheers, Gene
"There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty:
 soap, ballot, jury, and ammo. Please use in that order."
-Ed Howdershelt (Author)
99.35% setiathome rank, not too shabby for a WV hillbilly
Yahoo.com and AOL/TW attorneys please note, additions to the above
message by Gene Heskett are:
Copyright 2005 by Maurice Eugene Heskett, all rights reserved.